Agree to Disagree and not Argue

Dear Thinette,



Agree to disagree and not argue is a win-win strategy. It saves your dignity and creates harmony.

There was a video clip, of family members fighting in the street, on the Internet. Shouting, pulling hair and pointing fingers.

The whole neighbourhood came out to see what was going on, undoubtedly, it was humiliating to watch.

Someone took the video and posted it on the Internet, showing this moment, of out of control rage to the world. This way not the way to solve a problem, it is only fuel on the fire.

To argue and shout at your partner is not the solution my dear, rather discuss a problem with a calm attitude. How to do it with style and dignity is a challenge when in anger.

Never jump to conclusions or lose your temper my dear. Calm down and take a moment to find clarity.

Let’s have a look, what is the difference between an Argument and a Discussion?

Agree to Disagree and not Argue

What is an Argument

According to the dictionary, arguing is to persuade someone of your beliefs. You want him or her to see it your way, but soon that will lead to blaming and name-calling.

How to Argue or Disagree with Dignity. Couple sitting in deep discussion in the park.What is a Discussion?

A discussion is a continuous way to weigh the pros and cons of an issue. Debate it in a friendly way, without raising your voice, until there are a compromise and a conclusion.

Take a moment

  • Stick to the original topic until a mutual decision is reached.


  • Every difference of opinion has a value, and it can be in the eye of the beholder. In the end there is only one truth, therefore, distance yourself and see the situation objective

  • Little difference can be good for a relationship, it helps to understand the way your partner thinks


  • It is wise to listen to a statement, decide if it is true and make any sense. Sometimes it is an emotional problem or it could be a good idea. If it is not the truth, and a twisted version of reality, it does need attention. Find a quiet place and discuss it.


  • Before getting too upset ask yourself “ How does this affect me? Why am I unhappy and why would I want to argue?” Is it my ego talking, or is it to enhance the relationship?


  • You know, the bad boy adrenaline will rush through your body and make you unhappy, ugly and sick in the process. It is not worth it. See differences as a way to learn to know your partner better

The Anatomy of a Discussion.

This explanation of the anatomy of an argument will clarify the situation and make it easier to find a resolution and not go in never-ending blaming circles.


There are different components to an argument or discussion. Be fair and know, you as a team, are against this problem, and not you and the problem against your partner. Solve it as a team.


Agree to Disagree and not Argue

The Four Components of a Disagreement

This explanation will make it easier to find a resolution and not go in never-ending blaming circles.


These are components of differences

  • Reason for the difference of opinion

  • Exchanging ideas, to find a solution between partners

  • Conclusion or Outcome, for example find a compromise and agree.

  • Restoring of Peace

One partner accuses and the counterclaim comes from the other partner and is the opposing claim if you will.


Both partners should get time to give the reasons to their claim and should therefore in both cases be supported with solid evidence.


Each should get enough time to have their say without Couple-in-discussioninterference.

The two main parts are the evidence and the conclusion.



Agree to Disagree and not Argue

Your Behaviour During a Discussion

  • First of all, look each other in the eye and hug before you start. State clearly “Remember I love you”, it is not about you, but about the situation.

  • Making sure the other will know you still love him or her no matter what. This is not about you but about behaviour.


  • Find and discuss definite family rules before such an event occurs, my dear. During troubleshooting, put a structure in place how you will handle these serious discussions.

  • In advance have rules and a structure how to solve a problem, and stick to it. Have a ‘safe-word’ to opt-out for a moment or two.


  • Never avoid difference of opinions my dear, discuss it. Stability and unity is the unquestionable foundation of a relationship.


  • If not handled successfully, it builds stress and can have a bad influence not only on the relationship but on your health too.


  • Don’t go into a discussion upset or angry. Schedule a time, be calm and know what you want to achieve. Harmony and peace is your priority. See the bigger picture.


  • Make it very clear, both parties should know exactly what it is about, no misunderstandings.


  • Support your statement with good reason and evidence.


  • Know exactly why you have this disagreement. Both should observe it from a neutral point of view.


  • Make yourself clear, and give your partner time to make him or herself clear additionally, listen carefully.


  • If guilty take responsibility for your part. Apologise and do not blame your partner.


  • Never overreact, shout, blame or insult your partner, no name-calling. Blame the situation or behaviour, never the person.

Image of couple arguing, finger pointing and name calling.

  • Don’t let grievances simmer. Get it out in the open as soon as possible.


  • Be fair in your accusations. Was this situation created deliberately or did it happens unintentionally?


  • Accept the fact that you also have guilt in the situation, acknowledge and talk about it, apologize if necessary.


  • Find a compromise both are happy with.


  • Do not be judgemental.


  • Listen to every word, it is important.


  • Never argue in public, rather say “I disagree with you but we can discuss it later.”


  • Agree to disagree instead of keep on arguing. Accept it and move on.


  • For example don’t ask your partner to do something you are not prepared to do.


  • Find the culprit of this argument, most importantly, get to the core.


Talk about the situation afterwards, discuss the possibility that it might occur again and find a way to prevent it.


Agree to Disagree and not Argue

How to Apologise with Dignity

  • Make sure you both have said it all, particularly, get everything off your chest, before apologising.


  • Apology statements should always start with “ I “

  • I am sorry …

  • I will make sure …

  • I promise …


  • When apologising never use the words BUT, HOPE, MAYBE, MIGHT, IF. That is still blaming and negative, it cancels the apology, on the contrary, you are back to square one.


  • Know what you are going to say in your apology, in fact be prepared.


  • Never hold any grudges, say all you have to say and don’t go back later. It is done and moreover, water under the bridge.


  • Don’t ever say “ I told you so “


Be fair and know, most certainly, you are a team against this problem. Never you and the problem against your partner. Solve every problem as a team.


A conclusion should be reached. Be prepared to make compromises in the name of Love.


Agree to Disagree and not Argue Gift-in-a-black-and-white-striped-boxy-gift-

If you were the guilty party in any way, it is good to offer a gift of apologies. Maybe her favourite flowers or a ticket to her favourite show or event, above all, kiss and makeup.



Agree to Disagree and not Argue

Ways to end a Disagreement

  • Take hands and look each other in the eyes, furthermore apologise with sincerity and hug and kiss.

Agree to Disagree and not Argue. Couple holding hands and looking in each others eyes.





  • Agree to disagree instead of keep on arguing in this situation, find a compromise.


  • Take a break and make some tea if, for instance you get too emotional.


  • As an example, write a letter or an email, explaining how it makes you feel.


  • Go for a walk together hand in hand, and above all, talk about the problem.


Agree to Disagree and not Argue. Couple walking hand in hand on a beach sorting out a problem

Agree to Disagree and not Argue


Have regular sessions of troubleshooting on different problems that may occur. Preventing is much better than solving a problem. For this purpose have an in depth talk about the spending of money, jealousy or moreover, differences on everyday situations.

The ‘What-If Session’

Have weekly discussions on money matters, plan the purchases for the next week, end it with a topic from your list of ways to prevent conflict.


Call it ‘The What-If’ and ‘ How are we going to solve this’ if it occurs. It could be away to prevent disagreements.


Make a list of imaginary topics together. Keep it light and make it fun, do not make it an act of vengeance. Play out the topic and subsequently, agree how you are going to handle such a situation, if it occurs in future.


Any scenario can be a possibility. It is just make-believe, and in this playful way, find solutions in a game of events that might happen in future.


Have a safe-word to opt-out if you feel hurt and cannot find a mutual solution. It is not worthwhile keeping on if you are indeed, at a dead end. Take time off, it is a healer and brings new vision. Agree to continue later with in this topic, to find probably a solution for the future.


Agree to Disagree and not Argue Couple in bed,with a happy smile on their faces, problem solved.

Agree to Disagree and not Argue

How to Restore a Relationship

  • Precaution. Find a solution so it can unquestionably not happen again.


  • Consummate the apology. Great sex and intimate talk afterwards are undoubtedly the most powerful way to heal a rift.



There are two ways to handle differences in a relationship. You can pick a fight and state clearly who is wrong or right, on the other hand, there is a mature way settling differences.

The least harm done to a relationship, is to discuss and debate all differences.  In the name of love compromise and come to an agreement to find a solution, most importantly, you will restore harmony, my dear.

This will take the sting out of any arguments or disagreements and most of all, you will keep your dignity .

Make it a family culture and you will especially, have a harmonious happy relationship.


Love you

Gran Estelle


Inspire Motivate and Empower the Next Generation

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