My dear Thinette
What are the signs of an abusive relationship? Let’s see what Safeguarding Board has to say. Abuse is when someone causes us harm or distress. It can take many forms, ranging from disrespect to causing someone physical or mental pain. https://ssab.safeguardingsomerset.org.uk/protecting-adults/what-is-abuse/
When you feel more stressed and tense in his presence, you know this can turn sour and the red flags should show.
How Can I Help You
How can we define abuse?
Types of Abuse
Abuse comes in different forms. There is verbal abuse with mental scars and then physical abuse where you can see the scars and marks.
Verbal abuse is very cruel. The partner lashes out at you with words that cut through your feelings and your soul. Leaving scars no one can see because it is scars hidden inside. You have to live with it every day.
A Physical abuser will hurt your body in anger and it will leave marks and scars everybody can see. It is the worst and can get out of hand and he can become a killer. It Threatens your life.
An abusive partner is destructive and overwhelmingly negative and narcissistic with an undertone of resentment and unhappiness that is always in the air, my love.
People’s negative behaviour and most of all, attitude can have a devastating effect on your life and personality. It makes you feel inferior and worthless.
How Can I Help You
How does it make me Feel
What are the feelings you experience when thinking of him?
If it is sad, or negative feelings, you are not a priority in his life. He will disappoint you more than once, my dear.
Be aware if there is no respect or trust, it always makes you feel inferior. You will never be able to develop to your full potential.
The feeling of not being good enough and being the lesser is eminent. Making you feel like a doggy at the feet of his master, begging for attention.
You will feel stuck and blocked in, can’t go anywhere and can’t grow as a person, having shame with a slave mentality.
Irwin describes a toxic person as “Anyone abusive, unsupportive, or unhealthy emotionally—someone who brings you down more than building you up. “
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Certain events will inevitably affect a relationship. Keep in mind, a new job, moving house or town or death in the family will always influence a relationship.
If it is not the case you have to look at the different behaviours and why is it happening.
All relationships go through a testing period, a maze of trial and error and some heavenly highlights too. Take your time to sift through it all, do not be hasty and above all do not commit too soon.
Give it space, consequently, take a back seat and let the relationship simmer. All the harmful differences will surface with time.
There is a saying, you as an individual, are a whole person. Living your life in a full circle, thus, your comfort zone, within which you function. You have your known pattern and lifestyle, it is the same for everybody.
The moment you meet someone special, you tend to break that circle of habits to adapt to the new situation and accommodate new behaviour.
It is during this period you both try and put your best foot forward forming a unique new combined circle. Beware, my dear, this can leave you vulnerable to becoming an easy target for abuse from a toxic partner.
Now is the time to take it slow. With time it will show if there will be a possibility to be happy together or not. It will only happen in the period after the excitement is over and all turns to normal.
Trying to force the circle’s ends to line up and meet perfectly is a big mistake, because, if this new circle is under pressure it will crack.
Differences and unhappiness occur, and as a result, both will go back to their original pattern of behaviour if the commitment was too soon.
Make sure to have a combined new circle of precious gems of behaviour, before you commit.
You have to be aware of the next examples of signs which will be the cause of toxic behaviour, most probably resulting in unhappiness you should recognize and avoid.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Domination. One person wants to rule and run every situation in a relationship, making the other partner feel trapped and powerless. Never put a collar around your neck and hand the leash to the other person.
In a healthy relationship, everything is done equally. It is a 50/50 union, making both feel free and strengthening the power of the relationship.
Dependency. Never depend on your partner, or make him feel responsible for all that is happening in your life. It is a very bad idea.
You can never expect him to be responsible for your happiness, even more, it places such a burden on the relationship. Get up, and get a life of your own!
Never be a liability. Become financially independent, and earn your own money to spend as you wish.
Have your friends and activities, making your life interesting and fun. Be happy and worthy as a full partner in a relationship.
Blaming. When his or her past bad behaviour is used to justify righteousness in a present situation is not so good.
Using mistakes from the past and “I told you so” is part of the manipulation, having a negative effect. If you do not acknowledge the past with its mistakes then you do not accept the person.
Don’t manipulate your partner in any way. That is the reason why you should take time and look for similarities and the same interests. You are not flawless either.
Old Baggage. Be ready before you go into the next relationship. Everybody deserves a fresh new start. Clear your heart and your mind. Do not drag old baggage with bad memories and resentment into a new relationship.
Take time to work through the past, take what you can learn from it and get rid of the rest. Let bygones drift under the bridge.
You have to heal yourself first before embarking on a new relationship. Be a new YOU when meeting your new friend.
Lies Lies Lies. When a person lies it is the worst that can happen in a relationship. With lies, a person wants to hide something. Trust is one of the four important cornerstones of a happy and healthy relationship.
When someone is lied to, it takes time and willingness to restore the trust. Trust me, a lie has always the tendency, to surface at the worst moment you can imagine. It will surface, mostly with a slip of the tongue.
If you find a person is lying to you, speak up and let them know you know it is not true. It is another form of manipulation and brainwashing.
Forgiveness and reconciliation can not start until the truth is spoken.
IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU NEVER HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID
Lack of Forgiveness. A lack of forgiveness and a lack of willingness to rebuild trust is a signs of resentment. Many long-term relationships suffer from the broken trust at some point.
It is essential to know it can be repaired, both partners have to be willing though. It is a mutual effort with hard work to restore trust. Find a new set of rules for behaviour and stick to it, it is a painful process to lay a new foundation on to build trust.
Passive Aggression. What is passive aggression? This behaviour is described as a non-verbal negative quiet way to express anger.
Instead of communicating and discussing a problem, the person normally becomes sarcastic and finds ways to sting a partner as punishment until they ultimately get the attention they demand.
Normally this happens when a partner feels insecure to discuss an issue openly. In a discussion make sure one partner does not get the blame.
Being held responsible or feeling obliged to any ideas or opinions expressed by the other will most definitely have a negative effect. There must be a feeling of frankness to speak their mind maturely, therefore coming to a compromise.
Emotional Blackmail. A partner normally does this to manipulate. They want you to act against your will to suit their needs. To avoid the penalty they impose on you, with the result, you will give in to let them have their way.
There should be a safe platform built into the relationship to prevent this and to solve any differences, manipulation is not the way.
No Time for each other and Your Relationship. Spending time together is the backbone of every relationship. If it is neglected the relationship will eventually fall apart.
If he is forever out with his friends or a workaholic and never has time for you, could spell disaster. On the other hand, if you keep too busy with the kids and do not give your partner attention or love, it is a recipe for failure.
Being yourself is not possible in their presence. You have no confidence and feel uncomfortable, therefore, never being able to speak your mind. Not being accepted for who you are. In the end, the rift gets bigger.
Self-Centred Partner. Everything is just about them, their belongings and their ways. There is no space for anything else. Being single-minded is a very selfish characteristic and not a game player.
Being Right All the Time. Only his or her ideas and suggestions count, your ideas always get overruled. When your partner mocks you, and puts you down as not good enough, never doing anything right is also a form of manipulation. Name-calling and belittling you. It makes you feel inferior and incompetent.
None of your talents or achievements gets recognised, it only receives a negative criticism. You are not free to improve or develop your qualities as a person.
No encouragement or support consequently, only disbelief and mockery with all your attempts to get an independent individual. Preventing you from gaining your independence is a deal-breaker.
No good Memories. It is hard to enjoy happy and good moments with your partner. It probably feels like a chore and a challenge, because their controlling ways become unbearable.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
The Deal Breakers
An Abusive Partner and Alcohol. This is a tough one my darling and one I hope you will never come across as an abusive alcoholic or most of all a drug abuse partner.
You get a mental or psychological and a physical abuser.
A man who lifts a hand to a woman is a coward, will make it a habit and will always do it. The physical abuser can become a killer.
He doesn’t make threats only, as a matter of fact, he goes into action. He has a very bad temper or was exposed to this kind of abuse while he grew up and thinks this is how it should be.
Whenever he gets opposed he wants to destroy everyone and everything in his way, and normally does, saying afterwards he can’t remember. It is not worth staying in such a relationship my dear.
Emotional blackmailer. He will threaten suicide and all kinds of devastating actions. Don’t listen, my dear just get away safely and never look or go back.
He will tell you and with promises, it will never happen again and want you to believe him. Make me a promise, my dear, you will never go back again. Pack your bags and disappear, change your name, address and country, but please don’t stay.
Not being honest and stealing. When you find he has a habit of not telling the truth and hiding things from you and stealing, without a doubt, my dear, pack your bags and go.
A white-collar fraud and crime might be hiding somewhere along the line. Someone who steals on any level has major problems, is a weak person and does not deserve you.
He will never change and will also make promises and promises, but it stays “NO DEAL”
When to end a Toxic Relationship?
Is there verbal abuse or, and physical abuse in your relationship?
Your intuition will show you the red flags if there is no mutual respect. You will feel it.
Though someone can be attractive, loving, romantic or desirable, if there is behaviour that doesn’t match your values, please do not ignore it.
To have a healthy relationship is a blessing, and a good relationship does not happen all by itself. In contrast, it is hard work to have a happy one, my dear.
You have to give lots of thought and most of all, dedicated attention to make a relationship succeed.
Be aware of bad relationship signs, listen to the little voice inside and on second thought, set yourself free.
Don’t feel sorry or have regrets, it is just one of those things. Move on and find your special one.
When you are not happy as a result of bad behaviour go to your quiet corner, sit in solitude, analyze and re-think. Is this relationship worth the try, is this what I want?
Work through the unhappy moments. Is it your high expectations, very little or no common interests or most probably his lack of enthusiasm?
Are you both on the same relationship level, do you have the same values and want the same in life?
Analyze what behaviour will steal your happiness, if you feel unhappy, he most probably feels the same. Never hang around to try and make it work, you are wasting precious time, my dear.
If you experience some of these symptoms it is wise to take action.
The moment things start to happen and it makes you feel upset and sad or you are disillusioned? Keep a diary and note all the feelings and events that trigger it.
Analyse the unhappy moments and ask yourself … Why does this happen and Why do I tolerate this behaviour.
Is there a pattern to this behaviour, is there a cause?
Realise you deserve better and you are worth much more.
If you are still in love, stop for a moment and decide if you are prepared to live with these unhappy feelings for the rest of your life.
Make it clear, he will not change and that this relationship is not what you have dreamt about.
If you have tried all you can and it is still unhappy, it is time to make an end to it. Add up all the negative feelings and make an informed decision.
If it is not an abusive relationship, dare to tell him it is not working for you. You want to end the relationship. Both of you can find partners that suit you better.
Break all contact with him. If he tries to contact you again, have a phrase in your mind, to make you see clearly. “He will be good for someone else, but he is not good for you”. Keep reminding yourself, you are worth far more and you have better values.
He will contact you again, not because he wants you back, but because his ego won’t let you walk away. Don’t let him use you to nurse his ego. Make the break and end it there. No more contact. nothing, none.
If it is an abusive relationship, He will show remorse every time. Do not believe him because it is a pattern of behaviour, and it will happen again and again.
I would suggest getting a girlfriend over when he is not there, gathering all your stuff and just disappearing. Don’t let him know where you are. Hy might be dangerous.
The characteristics of a relationship are so dynamic it sometimes blows your mind. There are many aspects, in addition, to take into consideration to be happy. You can see it takes time to learn to know a person and his true character.
It is not an overnight starry-eyed instant happening, there is consequently too much at stake. Make sure to find true happiness.
You have to find someone with the same value system as you, my dear. I cannot underline it enough, take your time, because it is of the essence.
Do you know people who have some of these bad relationship signs in your group of friends? Recognise and set yourself free when you spot these bad toxic signs, it causes conflict in any relationship.
Open your eyes and be aware, most of all, of who and what that person is. It will save you lots of heartache if you can recognise the red flags. You deserve a happy relationship, my dear,
Stay alert, know who your ‘enemy’ is and consequently steer away from them.